WHY CAN NO ONE WRITE AN E-MAIL CORRECTLY?!?!?!?!

WHY CAN NO ONE WRITE AN E-MAIL CORRECTLY?!?!?!?!
1. Everyone has to throw in some emoticons >: (
2. Everyone has TO constantly USES improper grammar
3. Everyone has to spel improperley
4. Everyone has to caPitalIze raNdom LeTtErs
5. everyone has to leave out capitals that should be there, even in country names, like america, or proper nouns, like american
6. Everyone has to put in >>RANDOM, PUN(TUAT10N`~!!!
7. Everyone has to put random tabs everywhere
8. Everyone ignores proper salutations and closings!
9. Everybody, like, uses, like, the same, like, basic words, like again, and again, and again.

Why can't the Americans learn to write right?

SOLUTIONS:

1. If you can’t express emotion with your vocabulary, why should we consider little faces as expressive?

2. Why do you think it’s called GRAMMAR SCHOOL? So you can play hooky during arithmetic?

3. If you can’t spell it, you shouldn’t be saying it. And therefore, if you can’t spell anything…

4. The rules of capitalization didn’t change with the invention of the internet. (By the way, never capitalize “internet”; it’s much the same as “government”. Any attempt to spell “government” with a capital G will bring about Tolkien’s premature resurrection, and subsequent beatings by said zombie)

5. See above.

6. The point of punctuation is to PUNCTUATE your words: ergo, it clearly demarcates the sentences and phrases.

7. Consult my sister for the rules on tabs. Bottom line, THEY SHOULD NOT BE USED IN EMAILS, EXCEPT TO MARK NEW PARAGRAPHS!

8. The best way to learn the proper salutations and closings for e-mails is to research, in any good English grammar book, the proper salutations and closings for LETTERS. As in HAND-WRITTEN letters! It’s still the same, even online. Check it out: E-MAIL. It is still mail, although electronically transmitted.

9. I must confess, I too use redundant vocabulary. I also am not impervious to the detrimental exhibitions of the modern age.

To close: in drafting this rather lengthy missive, my title was read by Eleanor. She discovered a rather ironic fact: I had written “why can no one RIGHT an e-mail correctly.” And so, I humbly subside in my tirade of textual typos.

But still, the question remains: Why can’t the English learn to speak, and why can’t the Americans learn to write?